189109Why was one sitting here at all? Where was one? Who was one?That It was all very unpleasant, cold clammy vivid &so vivid, so real: & ?close & glaring. & yet unrelated; as if shewhy indeed h did anything happen as it did happen?For she had no attachments or relations it seemed; she was set downhere among sitting among clean cups at a long table alone.& for a moment, with extreme vividness, felt cut off from allcontact with human beings, & able only to frame ask one question after another,seemedThey might all have been strangers to her; she the house, the place,everything seemed strange. The whole She had no attachments, she feltto itwith itno relations. & anything might happen, & whatever did happen —a ?maid ?coming inwhether it was Nancy bursting in, or these voices calling, or Mr.passinglike that — up in the airRamsay reciting poetry on the terrace had seemed so queercut off,had thatquality — it wasa question —a somethingextraordinaryAs if at last ?one saw the extraordinary nature of existence,was made plain, & one could some little as if somelink had broken. As if some link had broken & at last onerealised how extraordinary it was —How aimless, howchaotic, how violent, she thought — & really,whatever one mightsay,almost entirely withoutor thought or anythingfeeling or reason.There was Mrs.Ramsay dead,Andrew killed; Prue dead too:Then they all got together & saidhad breakfast, & Mr. Ramsay like this in a house on a bay & beganby [?why]?poured out coffee at eight in the morningButHeaven knows what its all about, &she had to keep saying toisthis is tragicherself what a tragedy, now terrible this is, how ter awful,not to see Mrs. Ramsay sitting there as she used to sit; whenreally what she felt was that was all forced & put onon earth do we do it?She did not feel it; she felt nothing: onlywhy? why? why?SuddenlyMr.Ramsay looked at her, through the bay window.He was thoroughly out of temper, & so although she had finished hercoffee, she pretended to drink, in order to keep that terrible, thathimsinister that man at bay. All she had heard from him this morning wasscolding — scolding the Nancy, scolding James & Cam.Old Mr. Carmichael had taken his coffee out on to the lawn —It was odd to be able to notice everything with extremeaccuracy, &?When everanythinghappenedshe askedwhythislife.
